Trauma and Its Effects in Relationships

Being born and raised in a dysfunctional family filled with conflict is a difficult experience for many people. Often, such experiences create trauma that affects various aspects of life, including relationships—whether with friends, partners, or colleagues. These negative experiences can either make someone stronger or more vulnerable in adulthood. However, we do not get to choose the family we are born into, do we?

What is Trauma?

Trauma is an emotional response that arises from the subconscious, triggered by various experiences, such as past abuse, violence, neglect, loss, parenting styles, and more. Trauma manifests in different forms, including excessive fear, confusion, anxiety, dissociation, and other negative emotions. It is not only caused by major events; even seemingly minor incidents, such as job loss, heartbreak, or losing a cherished possession, can be traumatic. In reality, these events cannot always be categorized as “small” because each individual responds differently to situations, and they have no control over what becomes a traumatic event for them.

How Does Trauma Occur?

Trauma can be considered a defense mechanism that emerges as a result of past negative experiences. From a cognitive psychology perspective, trauma is closely related to how the brain processes, stores, and responds to negative experiences to protect itself in the future. When someone undergoes a distressing experience, the brain activates a defense system involving the limbic system to ensure survival.

Simply put, when a person faces a traumatic event, the brain detects the threat and activates the “fight, flight, or freeze” response through the amygdala, which functions as an emergency alarm.

Furthermore, once the traumatic experience occurs, the brain stores that information as emotional memory in the amygdala and hippocampus. What differentiates traumatic memories from regular ones is that they are often fragmented, incomplete, or stored with intense emotions. These memories pass through sensory memory, then short-term memory, before finally being transferred to long-term memory if deemed significant. If the negative experience is not processed properly, it will automatically be stored in the subconscious and easily resurface when triggered.

Types of Trauma Responses

An individual’s response to trauma can vary significantly, depending on their experiences and how they process them.

• Trauma Responses in the Framework of “Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn”
   When experiencing trauma, the brain activates defense mechanisms as a survival strategy. This is controlled by the limbic system, particularly the amygdala and hypothalamus.
  
  
• Emotional Responses to Trauma
   This includes anxiety, excessive fear, depression, loss of motivation, guilt, shame, irritability or frustration, numbness, and more.
  
  
• Behavioral Responses to Trauma
   Trauma can alter daily behaviors. Individuals with trauma may avoid triggers, overwork themselves to distract from their trauma, engage in substance abuse, exhibit impulsive or risky behaviors, and so on.
  
  
• Physical Responses to Trauma
   Trauma affects not only behavior but also the nervous system, leading to symptoms such as insomnia, chronic pain (headaches, stomachaches, muscle pain), excessive muscle tension, and more.
  
  
• Long-Term Responses or PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
   PTSD arises when trauma is not properly processed.
  
  

The Impact of Trauma on Relationships

Traumatic experiences, particularly those occurring in childhood, are closely linked to the formation of an individual’s attachment style, which influences relationship dynamics in adulthood. Attachment style refers to the emotional bond established between a child and their primary caregiver during early development.

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth identified four primary attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment – Individuals feel safe and confident in relationships, relying on both themselves and others.
2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment – Individuals seek constant reassurance and experience anxiety about commitment and their partner’s affection.
3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment – Individuals avoid emotional closeness, tend to be overly independent, and often evade commitment.
4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment – Individuals experience confusion between the desire for closeness and fear of intimacy, often due to past trauma or neglect.

Trauma significantly influences how individuals build and maintain relationships—whether friendships, romantic relationships, or professional connections. Traumatic experiences shape thought patterns, emotional responses, and behaviors, all of which contribute to interpersonal dynamics. Below are some key reasons why trauma affects individuals in forming relationships:

1. Trust Issues
    The inability to trust others hinders emotional closeness and creates distance in relationships. Individuals with trust issues often feel that others are unreliable, making them reluctant to open up.
   
   
2. Avoidance of Emotional Closeness
    Childhood trauma can lead to an avoidant attachment style, where individuals distance themselves emotionally to protect themselves from potential heartbreak. This can make them appear cold and detached, making it difficult to form deep connections with others.
   
   
3. Excessive Anxiety and Fear
    Trauma alters how individuals respond to stress, making them more prone to anxiety and excessive fear in relationships. They may fear abandonment or betrayal, leading to conflict and tension.
   
   
4. Difficulty Managing Emotions
    Individuals with trauma often struggle to identify and regulate their emotions. This can result in sudden emotional outbursts or, conversely, emotional withdrawal—both of which can confuse and challenge partners or friends.
   
   
5. Repetition of Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
    Without realizing it, trauma survivors may seek out or remain in relationships that mirror past traumatic dynamics. This could mean engaging with abusive or manipulative partners, as such patterns feel “familiar” even though they are harmful.
   
   
6. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
    Unresolved trauma can develop into PTSD, characterized by symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance. These symptoms can disrupt daily life and strain relationships, as partners or friends may struggle to understand or support someone with PTSD.
   
   

Steps to Overcome Trauma and Build Healthy Relationships

Experiencing trauma can impact one’s ability to form and sustain healthy relationships. However, with the right steps, individuals can heal and foster better connections. Here are some recommended approaches:

1. Recognizing and Accepting Trauma
    The first step is acknowledging the trauma and understanding its impact on life and relationships. Self-reflection helps identify feelings and behavioral patterns arising from traumatic experiences. Accepting these emotions without judgment is key to beginning the healing process.
   
   
2. Seeking Social Support
    Sharing experiences with trusted individuals—such as friends, family, or support groups—can provide relief and understanding. Social support plays a crucial role in recovery, helping individuals feel heard and validated.
   
   
3. Developing Stress Management Skills
    Relaxation techniques like meditation, deep breathing, and physical activity can help reduce stress and anxiety commonly associated with trauma. These activities calm the mind and body, allowing individuals to focus on building healthy relationships.
   
   
4. Gradually Rebuilding Trust
    Trauma often damages one’s ability to trust others. Therefore, it is essential to rebuild trust slowly in new relationships. Open and honest communication, as well as setting clear boundaries, can help create a sense of safety.
   
   
5. Avoiding Self-Blame
    Feelings of guilt and shame frequently is crucial to recognize that what happened was not one’s fault and that everyone deserves healing and happiness. Forgiving ourself is a vital step in the recovery process.
   
   
6. Seeking Professional Help
    Therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist can help individuals identify and address trauma’s impact on their lives. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective approach for processing traumatic experiences and fostering healthier thought patterns.
   
   
7. Practicing Self-Care
    Maintaining physical and mental health through a balanced diet, regular exercise, and sufficient rest enhances overall well-being. Self-care strengthens resilience against emotional challenges.

Trauma can significantly impact an individual’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships, influencing trust, emotional regulation, and attachment patterns. However, healing is possible with the right steps. By recognizing and accepting trauma, seeking support, managing stress, and gradually rebuilding trust, individuals can overcome past wounds and foster meaningful connections. Professional help, self-care, and self-compassion also play essential roles in the recovery process. Although the journey to healing takes time, with patience and persistence, individuals can cultivate healthier relationships and build a more secure, fulfilling future.